Birthday Party for my 2 year old

I've spent the last few days crying uncontrollable for moments at a time. Only able to regain composure to do a few things to get myself together. I am absolutely anxiety stricken over making the best birthday party for my son, who turned 2 on June 20th, this Saturday. I know I'm being unreasonable. Same feelings overwhelmed me at Christmas time. Cooking the perfect dinner, gifting the best presents, presenting a clean household. Absolutely overwhelmed with all that I need to do. Best part is that it is forecast to rain so I may have to stuff my guests into my small house. 4 of my guests are deathly allergic to dogs (I'm allergic as well, so I've found). There's no way I will be able to keep them healthy in my house and that really bothers me.

Other thing is that if it doesn't rain I need to have a spotless home AND backyard. OK, I don't know how to care for a yard. I mow and that's shotty at best. I just learned how to mow last year after now ex left. Never mowed a lawn in my life. Culture shock, lol! I feel so much pressure to have a nicely pruned lawn and weedless flower beds and flowers in those beds. I was able to compose myself enough to buy myself some flowers. Just need time to plant before Saturday.

Menu. News flash. I'm a single mommy. I don't have much cash for throwing a party but somehow I managed to spend $90 on chips and pop last night. ARGH. Oh and I bought a meat, cheese and crackers tray. I bought an Elmo cake pan and frosting garb. Also grabbed Elmo cupcake papers. My brother says I need to make goody bags for all the kids. There won't be many coming. So that shouldn't be too hard. Candy and chips, maybe a little toy. Yup, overwhelmed.

Flipped out on my boyfriend last night because we've been dating 10 months and I still haven't heard "I love you" out of his mouth. Seems like if you date someone for a year at my age...you get married. I can't even get 3 words out of this guy. = no marriage. OK. I'm turning 28 this year. I'm not getting any younger. I want more kids, one day. Just want to do things right. If he doesn't see it going anywhere after a year I'm out. No sense freaking out on him about it (in retrospect). Either he loves me or he doesn't. Right now it's looking more like, "loves me not". Oh well. Try again later.

UPDATE: I won the Mad Men prize! 2 tickets for a trip to LA!! Airfare, hotel, Mad Men premiere tickets, and spending cash! WHOOT!! I am one lucky bitch. July 20th is the date. Damn. I need a dress!

Man Woman

I'm excited today. I've gotten a babysitter and a sugar mama to take me out to the Mad Men/Women Adcraft event tonight. Looking forward to it. I let my son pick out my skirt today since I couldn't decide. He's pretty smart. It does look good and makes me feel good. Last night I laid his bed with him to get him to go to sleep and we went back and forth saying "I love you". It was the cutest thing EVER.

It made me think back to when he was younger (He's almost 2 now). I realized that half of my resentment toward his father (my now EX-husband) is due to me feeling cheated out of that joy. Everything was a fight when we were together and everything was rushed. I wasn't allowed to just enjoy my son. The son I almost died having. I resent that he cheated me out of that joyful experience, or at least that he tried to. After he left I was so incredibly sad and couldn't even focus on being a great Mom. I was just there. That makes me feel guilty. But...I needed time to heal so I can be a great Mom today and everyday after. I love my son like nothing I've ever loved before. It's amazing. Tangent! I'm still learning each day (post-divorce). :-)