Case of the Snow days

I live in Michigan. I've lived here pretty much all my life. I have a house. Snow days used to be of such great joy as a child. No school. Playing in snow all day. Going inside and getting hot cocoa. Ah, that was the dream. As an adult....I dislike snow days. I'm fliping 28 and my body aches for days after shoveling 8+ inches of snow. I officially hate snow. Neighbors have snow blowers (all strapping young men) and rarely do I get the offer for help. I was glad the plow came down my street. Then I noticed that I was plowed in. 2 feet high. Shoveling that was harder than shoveling the entire driveway. Ugh, I complain a lot. Just note. I have a case of the snow days. And there's more snow to come. *sigh*

Good stuff. I was chosen to play the lead role in a short film. It's all local and no budget. It's legit. No porn or anything, lol! My ex-husband will have our son so it doesn't get in the way of Mommy and son time. I'm looking forward to it. But it takes me into a darker place than I want to be. I play a 30 yr old woman that is trying to get her ex-boyfriend back. He dumped her for another woman. Last scene is her knowing that he's still involved with the other woman and she lets him sleep in her bed. She's a mess. Addicted to sleeping pills. I've been in a dark place myself and I need to pick myself back up. But for the sake of becoming the character I am trying to maintain the darkness. It is wearing on me. I will hold on to the feeling until Sunday then I'm over it. Filming begins Saturday night.

My son is doing well. He's been great about using the potty. But also recently just stopped using it. *sigh* It was a nice run. He'll get back on the potty soon enough. Holy underwear. His boxer briefs are 2 for $15. I don't spend that much on my own underwear. We bought him a snow shovel and he "helped" me shovel snow. Important part is that he had fun. Then we played in the back yard with the sled and in his plastic play house and slide. I posted the video on youtube! Financially we are strapped for a while but I am hopeful that we will get our barrings back by summer.

Birthday Party for my 2 year old

I've spent the last few days crying uncontrollable for moments at a time. Only able to regain composure to do a few things to get myself together. I am absolutely anxiety stricken over making the best birthday party for my son, who turned 2 on June 20th, this Saturday. I know I'm being unreasonable. Same feelings overwhelmed me at Christmas time. Cooking the perfect dinner, gifting the best presents, presenting a clean household. Absolutely overwhelmed with all that I need to do. Best part is that it is forecast to rain so I may have to stuff my guests into my small house. 4 of my guests are deathly allergic to dogs (I'm allergic as well, so I've found). There's no way I will be able to keep them healthy in my house and that really bothers me.

Other thing is that if it doesn't rain I need to have a spotless home AND backyard. OK, I don't know how to care for a yard. I mow and that's shotty at best. I just learned how to mow last year after now ex left. Never mowed a lawn in my life. Culture shock, lol! I feel so much pressure to have a nicely pruned lawn and weedless flower beds and flowers in those beds. I was able to compose myself enough to buy myself some flowers. Just need time to plant before Saturday.

Menu. News flash. I'm a single mommy. I don't have much cash for throwing a party but somehow I managed to spend $90 on chips and pop last night. ARGH. Oh and I bought a meat, cheese and crackers tray. I bought an Elmo cake pan and frosting garb. Also grabbed Elmo cupcake papers. My brother says I need to make goody bags for all the kids. There won't be many coming. So that shouldn't be too hard. Candy and chips, maybe a little toy. Yup, overwhelmed.

Flipped out on my boyfriend last night because we've been dating 10 months and I still haven't heard "I love you" out of his mouth. Seems like if you date someone for a year at my age...you get married. I can't even get 3 words out of this guy. = no marriage. OK. I'm turning 28 this year. I'm not getting any younger. I want more kids, one day. Just want to do things right. If he doesn't see it going anywhere after a year I'm out. No sense freaking out on him about it (in retrospect). Either he loves me or he doesn't. Right now it's looking more like, "loves me not". Oh well. Try again later.

UPDATE: I won the Mad Men prize! 2 tickets for a trip to LA!! Airfare, hotel, Mad Men premiere tickets, and spending cash! WHOOT!! I am one lucky bitch. July 20th is the date. Damn. I need a dress!

Man Woman

I'm excited today. I've gotten a babysitter and a sugar mama to take me out to the Mad Men/Women Adcraft event tonight. Looking forward to it. I let my son pick out my skirt today since I couldn't decide. He's pretty smart. It does look good and makes me feel good. Last night I laid his bed with him to get him to go to sleep and we went back and forth saying "I love you". It was the cutest thing EVER.

It made me think back to when he was younger (He's almost 2 now). I realized that half of my resentment toward his father (my now EX-husband) is due to me feeling cheated out of that joy. Everything was a fight when we were together and everything was rushed. I wasn't allowed to just enjoy my son. The son I almost died having. I resent that he cheated me out of that joyful experience, or at least that he tried to. After he left I was so incredibly sad and couldn't even focus on being a great Mom. I was just there. That makes me feel guilty. But...I needed time to heal so I can be a great Mom today and everyday after. I love my son like nothing I've ever loved before. It's amazing. Tangent! I'm still learning each day (post-divorce). :-)

Blog revival

Blog revival. Feeling sad today. The sun is shining. I got a free lunch today. I have a pretty good chance of getting some cash tomorrow when I could win the office Idol contest. Yet, I am sad. I can't stop fidgeting. Too much pent up energy I guess. I am upset that there has been no upward movement in my career and just received notice today that the position that I wanted is no longer available. I feel a bit pushed out. I do a great job at my job. Maybe no one notices. The wheels are greased and the machine keeps moving while I'm here. I need to Look elsewhere. Outlook hazy on this 8ball. TBC.

Who blogs anymore?

In years past I used my blog like a sort of online diary. Then I received a heckling post in response to my blog and I turned it off. I don't need your drama fool. If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. I realized that it's dangerous to post your ideas and thoughts online. My own mother has received death threats through simply replying to the editor's letter in the local newspaper!! Seriously people?! Now-a-days you can get shot for posting your f*ing opinion. Stop. Just stop it. So my question is...who's brave enough to blog anymore?

Posting something...

Just posting something to keep going.